Everywhere around the world women are seeking the elusive Mr Right. I see these women regularly in my clinic rooms. Successful, intelligent women who have all areas of their life sorted except for their relationship. So where are all the men?
They are out there believe me, I meet them almost every day as clients also! Beautiful, gentle men that would make great partners but opportunities to meet ‘the one’ seem to pass them by. So, what is going on?
From when we are very young, ideals and beliefs around what a perfect relationship ‘should be’ is cemented into our psyche. We are governed by a picture based on our idealistic beliefs, it then becomes what we are unconsciously seeking in the world. Something that will match our expectations. But as we know, life isn’t like that. What we think we want and what we actually need can be two very different things.
Take me for example. I had a picture in my mind of my future husband, right down to how he would look, the type of work he would do etc. So, when my Mr Right showed up in my life I was completely blinded to the fact he was right in front of me! We were at college together and in the same classes for around 18 months before I received a call from him asking me out to dinner. Even at this point I was still blatantly unaware of what this may mean! Why would he want to go out to dinner with me?
Anyway, as time went on it became more obvious to me that we would make a great match, our personalities just clicked. He was fun to be around. But there were still things I was in resistance to due to him not matching up to the picture I held, which clashed with his picture. This caused ongoing arguments for quite some time until we began to accept and appreciate what was in front of us and let go of our unrealistic expectations.
But you don’t need to go through the long drawn out and painful process that we did. Take time to reflect and identify the picture you hold around relationships and realise how limiting this can be. The truth is, relationships are about growing together, true intimacy and learning more about yourself through the other. This love you develop between you can then be taken out into the world as a standard of how you are with all others.
Be aware that this will not necessarily be easy. A true relationship will bring issues to light, it will trigger you. Knowing how to embrace this process can be hugely liberating and empowering, as together you can develop an emotional maturity, respect and deep care for each other that becomes the foundation on which you both stand.
By letting go of your picture you liberate yourself to be open to a true relationship in which you can grow and experience the kind of love that is enduring and ever deepening. A type of relationship we all deserve.
Kate Chorley is a psychotherapist & couples therapist practicing in the Parramatta & Blacktown areas of Western Sydney. She supports her clients in raising their self-awareness to lead more productive and fulfilling lives. Contact here or phone 0402134097