Lack of sexual desire is most common in women, with one third of all adult women expressing that their low libido is a chronic problem that affects the quality of their lives, including half of all premenopausal women aged 30-50 experiencing this issue. This common condition is known clinically as hypoactive sexual desire disorder or HSDD, a term which most of us are unaware of.
Symptoms of HSDD include:
When counselling couples this is an issue I hear raised time and time again. It is typical for problems to arise after the birth of their first child with the added responsibilities including also having to work and the maintaining of a household. I have found that many women become highly identified with the ‘mother role’ and in their attempt to live up to an idealised version of what they believe a mother to be, lose touch with the woman they are.
This idealised image of a mother can never be attained or maintained for any length of time, so the woman will generally experience anxiousness in trying to attain it or avoiding feeling the failure of not being ‘all that’. Either way she loses out big time.
Women have taken on the role of ‘doing everything’ in order to try to be or feel ‘better’ then becoming resentful as a result. This resentment is then projected onto their partner and tension arises. Because she can never live up to this ideal, she feels dammed either way and therefore begins to internally give up and withdraw. This is the beginning of depression and chronic dissatisfaction.
Being a ‘good mum’ according to our conditioning does not include being sexual or feeling sexy, it doesn’t fit the picture so there is a loss of connection with their femaleness and sacredness which is physically located in the cervix. Because some women are becoming completely disconnected from ‘down there’, there is little wonder they lose sexual desire.
The same can be attributed to women who have not had children but who are driven to live up to an image in other areas of their lives. Even a woman who is attempting to live up to a temporal ideal of being sexy, is most times disconnected from her true sexiness and operates according to the image they are run by, therefore still experiencing the emptiness of not feeling themselves or that of being truly fulfilled.
An important factor to consider is that men, are not always, but commonly having sex to find a sense of connection they lack with themselves or just for relief instead of truly making love to their partner by honouring where she is at and all that she is. For women this becomes tiresome and an eventual turn off, so we do just that, turn off and shut down. We simply get sick of ‘having sex’ rather than experiencing the depth and healing that truly making love can offer us.
Honouring the True Woman
Thousands of years ago it was natural for women to honour themselves. In the temples of the ancient world women were revered for for being the living embodiment of sacredness. This was nurtured, and from that way of being these women were able to live the great wisdom they carried, a wisdom that we all still carry to this day, but for most lays dormant.
It was from this connection that women would make decisions on how they chose to live and be in the world as opposed to the ideals and beliefs that are imposed upon women from birth in todays society. Instead of connecting to and living from our innate wisdom many of us live from our heads, we are confused, overwhelmed, feel somehow flawed and unworthy. But this of course is a choice, something we have the power to change.
Natalie Benhayon founded a dance called Sacred Movement which has been specifically designed to support a return to the connection with our sacredness. Please click the link above to find out more.
Finally, know that it is ok to embrace your true sexiness, your connection, to claim this and live this. Do yourself a favour and everyone around you and hold none of it back. It is time women reclaimed this power within and lived it in full for all.
Kate is an experienced psychotherapist, specialising in relationship counselling. For more information or to book a session, contact Kate here or call 0402134097